We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
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When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”