Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
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Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
🤣😂🤣
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot