Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
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therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own