I put the hot in psychotic.
You Might Also Like
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.