[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
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Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too