My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
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[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers