cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
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My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
The first one, obviously
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Pikachu found the lost joint
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard