Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
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Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.