I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
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When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.