If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
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Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*