‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
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no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
For anyone who needs this today
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something