Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
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WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Wake me when AI does housework
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
🤣🤣🤣
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.