We decided to have money instead of children.
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Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
If looks could kill
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.