Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
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It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Room with a view.
My inexpensive home security system…
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
some Old Testament wisdom
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”