The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
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I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Mad Max Arctic Road
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
if you shouldnât go food shopping when youâre hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when youâre naked. trust me on this.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
husband: arenât you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: thatâs literally all I drink
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I hate when I think someoneâs funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house đ
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said âsorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guessâ and he did not laugh or smile
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
9: Why do some British people drop the tâs in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No itâs cause they drank all the teas!