8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
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GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.