A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
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We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone