Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
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What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?