*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
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Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I had to Stop for this
what the
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.