Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
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[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic