[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
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Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
dutch is not a serious language
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs