What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
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I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Appendi
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Appendvi
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Appendix
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
it was love at first sight