My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
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Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
😅😅😅
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?