My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
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If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
watergate? u mean a dam??
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.