When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
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I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants