It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
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[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.