If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
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I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio