I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
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“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
There is no “ea” in Tim.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun