The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
You Might Also Like
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
good work, everybody
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*