No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I have no idea what she’s talking about.