[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
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Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.