11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
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Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?