Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
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“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
everyone has that one prude friend
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is