So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
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Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Hey I worked for it too!
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!