FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
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It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Who chose this font
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist