Peppa pig = spicy bacon
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PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
We have a winner.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?