We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
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Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Please do it!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.