superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
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[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.