You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
You Might Also Like
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc