Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
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Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth