If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory