[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
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The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”