She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
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“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?