Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
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[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Lucky old June.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years