If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
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When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Word!
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
One of the best
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.