Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
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Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.