me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
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I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel