May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
You Might Also Like
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
the answer was staring at me all along
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Oops
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous