Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
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Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Oh deer
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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。
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TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.