We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
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My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
we’re gonna need another temp
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up